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The Fit and Fluffy Momma

embracing my 'fluff' while finding my 'fit'

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I am not enough...

Driving home from having one of the best days ever with my kids, a song came on the radio with the lyrics "Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place," and I broke down in tears.  Although today has been amazing, this week has been extremely difficult, mentally and emotionally, and I have felt like my world has been falling apart.  Some of the struggles have been ongoing for quite a while, but some additional challenges have just been more than I could handle.  Extreme anxiety, inability to sleep, and uncontrollable breakdowns are just a few side effects of my circumstances.  I know I'm not alone in this, that there are countless others out there facing the same issues with their own reasons and their own circumstances.  It's very real, and it can have extremely detrimental effects on our health and relationships.  I know.  I see it, and it's like watching a semi rolling over a cliff... you can see it, but you can't stop it.  And it's torture to watch.  But whenever people start to talk about these struggles, the conversation often goes in the same direction - "we are so blessed... there are so many starving people in the world and we have more than we need... I shouldn't feel this way... my family is healthy and that is all that we need... I should be thankful... shame on me..." and then comes the guilt, feeling like a terrible selfish person for thinking you have "problems," then the thoughts that you actually should do more, be more, when you already feel like you're not enough and not equipped or capable to live the life you have been so "blessed" with, and now are overridden with guilt for not appreciating it.  We feel guilty for not appreciating that we have been blessed with the things we feel like we can't handle, and might even feel like someone else would be better at our lives than we are.  We compare ourselves to others that seem to be in similar circumstances and feel like a failure when we see that they appear to be better at it.  I personally struggle with feeling like a bad wife, mother, coworker, sister, daughter, friend, granddaughter, Christian... and it makes me feel worthless as a person.  I've actually told God that He's made a mistake in giving me certain gifts and responsibilities.  I've had plenty of moments of feeling hopeless, worthless and depressed, while also feeling guilty for feeling that way because I am "too blessed" to complain. 

I once heard someone say that people who have all that they physically need are less aware of their need for God.  And I believe there is a LOT of truth in that statement.  I don't pray often enough about my circumstances and struggles because I believe I should be able to handle them.  I discredit the reality of them.  My husband and I are blessed with good jobs, beautiful children, and each other.  From the outside, from someone who doesn't have those things, it could be easy to assume that we should never feel anything but grateful.  If that were the case, divorce would never happen.  Families wouldn't fall apart.  Children wouldn't suffer from depression.  We have all that we need physically, in that area we are extremely fortunate and we know this.  But as Christians we know that we are not just physical beings.  So why do we ignore this fact when we face our non-physical battles?  Why do we brush aside our mental and emotional struggles because we have food in our bellies and a roof over our heads? We are not purely physical beings.  We know this, yet we ignore it all the time! And Satan knows our weaknesses.  I'm just starting Priscilla Schirer's Armor of God study, and in the beginning she talks about how Satan strategizes his attacks against us.  For anyone else like me, he knows how we struggle with the things I mentioned above.  He knows how to tear families apart from the inside out.  He knows how to make a parent or spouse feel worthless enough to walk out on their family.  He knows how to make a spouse feel unloved and unwanted enough to seek attention elsewhere.  He knows how to make children feel like problems between their parents or in their family are their fault.  He knows how to feed into our weaknesses in order to turn us against each other and ourselves.  He is the father of lies.  Yet so often we don't arm ourselves against him because we don't see the need to.  It's not tangible, physical, measurable.  We believe we're "too blessed to be stressed" and ignore our non-physical needs.  If Satan can get into my head enough, he knows he can bring destruction to my family and rob us of what God has in store for us and our futures, as a family and as individuals.  He knows if he destroys the family he can influence the children to turn away from God.  When we are spiritually weak, we become mentally, emotionally, and physically incapable of resisting Satan's attacks on our lives.  When we put our focus on God and seek Him in every area of our lives, He provides us with the strength we need to face whatever challenges come our way.  When we realize He is the provider of all of our needs, and that our needs aren't just physical because we are not just physical beings, we will learn to put our faith and trust in Him instead of trying to do everything ourselves.  

I truly believe it breaks God's heart to see His children struggle and fail trying to do things on our own, because He wants us to depend on Him.  In Matthew 11:28, Jesus says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."  We don't have to face anything on our own, we're not supposed to, God doesn't expect us to... so why do we expect ourselves to?  We need to stop believing the lie that we need to be enough and more.  None of us are enough on our own, and when we put that pressure on ourselves we can cause ourselves to crumble.  But with God, ALL things are possible.  Wherever we are, He can take our circumstances, as messy or beautiful as they are, and use it all for greatness we can't even imagine.  He created us.  He knows us better than we know ourselves.  We just need to trust Him.  And we need to stop ignoring our battles and surrendering to the attacks, and start arming ourselves against them.  We need to choose who we're going to believe.  We need to choose truth over lies.  It is our choice.  

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